Forbidden Grief: Men in Pain

Grief is about the completeness of the circle of life and death. It does not discriminate between gender or culture. However, whether or not we can readily acknowledge the fact, there remains great differences between the sexes, especially when it comes to how we grieve. Grieving is a mode of our existence that agrees to carry the sadness of things without denying or dismissing the pain as a mere accident.

Our society has placed clear expectations and requirements upon our roles as men and women. As a young man, I quickly learned how I was supposed to express myself and what was considered inappropriate behavior through such statements as, “Stand up and take it like a man.” “It's your responsibility, you're the man of the house,” and “That's a man's job.”  

Women and men differ in their relationship style. Men communicate with one another in a side-by-side manner. Whether it be sitting next to someone watching the television, walking down the street, or during a game of golf, this approach is most comfortable for most men. Women, on the other hand, enjoy sitting around a table or in a comfortable room openly sharing personal thoughts and concerns. Their support system is readily available at any time. Men are typically denied this level of support and appear to handle their own stresses and loss issues in a more isolated manner. This has an effect on their grieving process.

Men typically appear to be “in control” of life's demands and are required to submit to the following societal demands:

• remain emotionally and physically strong;
• always be rational;
• do not cry or publicly mourn;
• do not ask for support or affection — remain self-sufficient;
• remain as non-expressive as possible;
• provide, not nurture;
• fix it, do not accept it;
• shake hands, do not hug.

Some of these expectations may appear as generalizations, yet they continue to held their power over men in pain. It is not just coincidence that men die seven years younger than women, with a 10 percent lower life expectancy.

Grieving men need to hear that their tears are a gift to help their healing. Men have historically been fobbed off and denied this important gift. We need to open up the discussion of how men grieve and start sharing thoughts and feelings in a more meaningful, supportive way. The realization that grief can be a constructive, healing process, which can be shared with others, could inspire us all to be intentional in our grief process.

Men can be strong and gentle, feeling and tough, at the same time. I cried at the birth of my children and the death of my father. I cry being with others during times of pain. The old myth about crying needs to be re-worded. The truth is it takes a truly strong man to be able to cry.

Acknowledging that each of us grieve in very different ways can allow men to cope with loss and pain using their own various coping methods. For men, this may mean expressing their grief through physical exercise or hobbies. Taking care of business issues first and then allowing themselves to think and feel more may prove to be helpful for men. Or, they may find that changing their levels of contact with others may help, such as spending more time with others or some time alone to be with their feelings. Other men have discovered that journaling and reading are very beneficial in acknowledging their personal grief journey.   

We all grieve despite our gender, race or culture. This grieving process can become a gift to ourselves if it is truly acknowledged.   We grieve because we have loved and through our journey, we can be healed.

Tom Ellis is a grief and family counselor at the Center for Grief, Loss & Transition, St. Paul, MN. He owns and operates Thomas Ellis Funeral Home, Hastings, MN. This copyrighted article is reprinted with permission.